…when You grow up?
I did not really understand why it is a must to force myself into a box by defining a certain future career for myself. It felt like losing my freedom. Still, as a kid I had to answer questions asked by adults so I went into the game and said, I love drawing and designing the most and so I want to be a fashion designer, of course.
OF COURSE I’ve been laughed at and told right away that it does sound fascinating but let’s face the truth: what are the chances? I need to pick something from the menu of reality. For someone living in a small Hungarian village it cannot be a perspective. I was told to find a decent job that actually pays. If only those adults knew that they ended my childhood with that one sentence. I was taught that dreams are not meant to come true.
Whenever I was asked later on about my plans for the future, I kept repeating her words with strangling numbness in my chest. I numbed myself because I guess, it was easier than acknowledging the pain I had when my freedom of choice was taken away. All my colours faded away as I let myself be convinced that drawing can only be a hobby.
So I picked German major in secondary school to meet the expectations and got used to that constant thirst and sadness whenever I saw the art majors walking around with their drawing-boards and painting tools. I felt so envy because I saw them living the life that belonged to me. I did plan to stay for 2 more years and take graphic designer classes but after my finals as if some kind of fog landed on my brain, I completely forgot about my ambitions and went straight to uni to study architectural engineering. All because, again, it was a smart choice and held a bright future career with great money.
Guess what, after graduating there is no sign of anything great happening except for great regret and feeling of loss of my own goals. It seems I needed to get to this point, where I wake up every day without any motivation, in order to question the direction I’m going towards. Now I reject all the unwanted ‘wise pieces of advise’ that I’ve been given as a kid. If they were really for my own good why do I feel so down now?
I want my choice back. I want to create, I want to draw and design.
I want to be free.
Photo: Balaton, Hungary, July,2014
art from scratch 